how many journal entry, lists of things to do say-- WRITE? literally, just write.
i am a writer who doesn't write or maybe someone who doesn't share. i use to get off on an audience. applause and appreciation could really make my day.
i remember traveling to amsterdam, my first time to europe, to meet this friend and her sister. they had been on a two-month, backpacking trek and i had just broken up with my boyfriend. i needed to get out of new york city. away from my job. and why not spend a $500 on a roundtrip flight that would only allow me to stay five days? anywho. i smoked and wandered by myself the first day, until they arrived the next. we did not have a bonding, oh-you're an amazing-friend kindof experience. i wanted nothing to do with their seemingly exhausting sister dynamic and my friend (later told me) thought that i was desperate for attention. she said i was hurt even by the dog licking her instead of me.
what a trip. we are not friends anymore. but in the moment, i appreciate her critical opinion. it forced me to look at my expectations of myself, of strangers, and ultimately of my friends.
i consider my self a very introspective person. i can really analyze the meaning and the reason why in most situations and evaluate my influence or experience through a somewhat objective lens. so many years later, when i had a similar exchange with my best friend, and i commented on her needing an audience and always performing...i wonder if the judgement comes in when we relate or if we are so threatened by someone else's reality. and what is wrong with performing? entertaining? or even needing approval?
if i wanted to be an artist, i would try arial ropes or trapeze. but since i want to be a write, i have decided to write.
